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How to tame your loneliness?

We all experience, at times, a feeling of loneliness, whether we are well surrounded or not. I would like to share with you some of what I learned during my psychology training on loneliness.

We are made for the relationship

Like wolves, lions, whistlers, and all other mammals, human beings are made to be in relationships, in groups.

Although society extols the virtues of living alone, getting away from “toxic” people and taking time for yourself. Which is true, in part. The most fundamental is the connections we create with others. It’s more important than food! We also see this when a person experiences a romantic separation, or a bereavement, they suffer to the point of no longer wanting to eat.

Even though society tells us that we can do everything for ourselves, and for our own happiness. The fact remains that the key to happiness is to build a fulfilled relationship life. Moreover, this life of relationship begins with oneself, and then opens up to others.

Loneliness creates stress

Loneliness sends a message to the central nervous system, telling it that it has a need to meet, that of creating connections with others. It's a basic need. If it is not answered, it creates stress.

Rather than meeting the real need for a relationship, many people turn to a solution that will allow them to reduce stress. They will then eat more, watch more TV, drink more, play more, etc.

Addictions then become a way to relieve stress and eliminate the feeling of loneliness.

Inner dialogue is liberating

In childhood, each time we have experienced an injury, a trauma, it creates a fragmentation of being and divides us into lots of little “me”s: a “nice” me, a “frustrated” me, an alcoholic self, etc.

For example, if you were criticized for making too much noise and disrupting the group. You have fallen into line to become a good child. So your need for attention or recognition has never been fully met.

To better enter into dialogue with yourself, here are some important questions to ask:

What part of myself is being silenced?

What vulnerability am I hiding?

What am I ashamed of?

What is the need that I have always sacrificed?

How can I make this part of me able to exist again?

Once we sincerely answer these questions which can be painful, and we welcome these parts of ourselves. Then a new door opens to you. That of forgiveness.

Reconciliation is essential to the relationship

The more we manage to unify the different parts of ourselves, even those that are wounded, then the less loneliness we feel, and our relationships with others will then be easier.

The suffering part within itself needs to make peace with itself, first, and with others second. These new stages ask us to reconcile with our past, without accepting the harm that has been done. Just to recognize that it is there.

Then, reconciling with others, deep down, is necessary to build new relationships.

Tame your dark side

Our difficulties with others are a reflection of our inner contradictions, our shadows.

By taking these inner contradictions into account, accepting them and listening to them, we become more at peace with ourselves, and with the people around us.

Carl Jung, a 20th century psychiatrist, used the notion of the shadow.

The shadow represents what has been repressed by the child for fear of being rejected by the important people in his life: his parents, his educators, etc. It manifests itself through judgments, rejections, fears, and are the basis of social prejudices. These are the parts considered shameful and frightening.

Jung believed that it is possible to pacify this hidden and disturbing universe by going to meet the dark side within oneself, and by reconciling oneself with it.

This path requires courage.

Once we are more unified, the feeling of loneliness will slowly fade, and a feeling of unity will develop.

This process will allow us to better relate to others. To love ourselves better, and to better accept the behavior of others that previously bothered us.

Because the main goal is not to stay alone, but to move forward, towards others, at peace with yourself.

I wrote these lines while drinking a TANGO , which give me a feeling of harmony, and a feeling of union with you.
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